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Stop what you’re doing and for a few short minutes, let yourself fully feel it without blaming or labeling him (cad, cheater, untrustworthy), the woman he slept with (slut, bimbo, immoral), or yourself (weak, doormat, victim). Try this: When you find yourself feeling angry or hurt at the memory of your boyfriend’s mistake, simply sit with it. This is why we find it so difficult to do, and why we can hold onto emotional wounds for decades. As noted above, forgiveness takes time, but more than time, it takes attention to your own pain. You say you’ve tried this, but I’m not sure that a few weeks of drama and therapy quality as true forgiveness. Love thy enemy, or boyfrenemy to be more precise. The other way, of course, is in the New Testament. That part may not like to admit it, or ever speak of it, but if one partner consistently and for many years “makes way” for the other, or gives more, or forgives more, be assured the giver will either suffer the consequences (through depression, illness, and the like) or find a way to act out against the other (through withholding sex, or attention, or help, or through passive aggression perhaps). I don’t feel like being a doormat.” Despite the fact that we all shroud our relationship talk in New Agey models of mutuality and forgiveness, deeper down some part of us is always engaging in transactions and keeping score. Will that eventually balance things out? I don’t know, but I’m not going to automatically dissuade you from trying it if something deep down is saying, “Screw forgiveness. I guarantee it will switch things up: You’ll likely feel less angry and more guilty, while your boyfriend will feel more angry at you, and less guilty about his own transgression. If you’re an Old Testament kind of girl, then an eye for an eye-or a screw for a screw, as the case may be-could certainly be informative, even if it doesn’t solve the problem.
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In all likeliehood, it will weaken your relationship and make it more likely that when you hurt your boyfriend someday, he’ll want the right to hurt you back as well. You may be able to negotiate a “pass” to restore a balance between you two for the time being, but it won’t be a “free” one. If you stay with your boyfriend long enough, someday you will do or fail to do something that will hurt him terribly. The longer we are with someone, the greater the likelihood that we will disappoint and hurt them at some point. So any closure you’ll receive from forgiveness may be a long time in coming. It’s a flickering bulb that eventually burns out when you don’t need it anymore. The switch from anger to forgiveness isn’t a light switch you can’t just say “I forgive you” and it’s done. What your boyfriend did was wrong, and you’ve got every right to continue to feel cheated and pissed. And the more you focus on keeping you and your partner equal, the more underfunded your relationship can get. But the deeper you enter into a committed relationship with someone, the less energy you should put into emotional accounting between the two of you because there are now three accounts to keep funded: yours, your partner’s, and your relationship’s. And maintaining a balance between the two is fine for business and casual connections. He Said: Before we start any relationship, we evaluate what we’re willing to give versus what we’re expecting to get. Closure with consequences is what I want. But I know that doesn’t sound very evolved or trustworthy, and I don’t want to make more drama with him. I think, at bottom, I believe in an eye for an eye.
#WANTING AN EYE FOR AN EYE FREE#
I want to be honest with him about this, get a free pass for the next time I’m out of town, and finally be done with it. I actually believe him, but here’s the problem: Deep down I just don’t think I’ll totally get over it until I pay him back. Of course he’s sworn it’ll never happen again. He came home and promptly confessed, and after several weeks of shock, tears, fights, and a few therapy appointments, I thought I had let it go. Global Programs and Resources for National SocietiesĪdult strabismus (crossed eyes) is when your eyes are not lined up properly and they point in different directions.I’ve tried forgiving my live-in boyfriend for cheating on me (during a business trip) last year.
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Minority Ophthalmology Mentoring Campaign.Subspecialty/Specialized Interest Society Meetings.Subspecialty/Specialized Interest Society Directory.International Blindness Prevention Award.
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